in Communications, Non classé by Geneviève Boileau M.Ps.

Nonviolent Communication for Separated Parents: 3 Principles That Change Everything

“It is often when we most hope to be understood that we express ourselves in ways that are most difficult for others to receive.” Marshall Rosenberg

 

Co-parenting means continuing to work together with the person you are no longer in a relationship with, for the well-being of your children. Difficult emotions, past hurts, and everyday responsibilities make this collaboration delicate, sometimes even explosive.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is an approach that provides tools for expressing what matters to you, promoting cooperation, and avoiding escalation. That is why we chose it in the development of Koparents.

The 3 key principles of NVC in the context of co-parenting

 

1. Distinguish facts from interpretations

Saying what you actually observe has a very different effect than saying what you interpret or think about the other person. A collaborative message begins with a neutral, simple, and precise fact.

“Simon didn’t have his snow pants this morning.”
VS
“You’re always disorganized.”

2. Express a need rather than a criticism

A need is the important value that motivates us to send our message (e.g., security, stability, clarity, cooperation). Talking about this need gives meaning to our message and prevents it from being received as a reproach.

“I need efficiency when I arrive at 5 p.m. to pick up Justine.”
VS
“You could at least get her ready on time.”

3. Make requests that are specific, achievable, and measurable.

We often think that our agreements are obvious, when in fact they are often vague or even have to be deduced from the information provided. A clear and neutral request avoids misunderstandings and simplifies organization.

“Can you bring back the snow pants tonight before 8 p.m.?”
VS
“Can you take care of that?”

Why does it work?

The principles of NVC enable healthy communication through clearer, more collaborative, and respectful messages. Stating observations, needs, and requests avoids putting the other person on the defensive.

Exemple 1 :

  • Observation : “Simon didn’t have his snow pants on this morning.”
  • Need : “I need peace of mind.”
  • Request : “Can you bring his pants back tonight before 8 p.m.? And we could find another used pair to leave at school, just in case. What do you think?”

Exemple 2 :

  • Observation: “Last Friday, it took Justine 20 minutes to get ready.”
  • Need : “I need efficiency when I arrive to pick it up at 5 p.m.”
  • Request: “Would you mind setting her an alarm for 4:40 p.m. this Friday so she can get ready in advance? Let’s see if that helps and adjust accordingly?”

Go further with Koparents

The Koparents app incorporates these principles to help parents rephrase the messages they want to send and those they receive. Every message is an opportunity to nurture collaboration and the well-being of children.

Sources to cite:

Essayez le reformulateur CNV